Coming Home
by PCBW
Summary: A nod to RosyRock for inspiration and to my ST bestie Thais over at Psiwaves tumblr. I deleted the old version because it had too many grammatical errors! Thanks for the reviews! You guys are the sweetest!


Jean Luc looked up at the chronometer; 23:10. He rubbed his eyes, deciding that their itchiness and subsequent wateriness was a clean indication of how tired he was. However, despite his exhaustion, he knew he would not be able to sleep. His thoughts wandered back and forth like the ebb and flow of the incoming tide. He thought back to earlier this year on Kesprytt. He remembered how Beverly had discovered how he felt about her and his embarrassment later when he had suggested that they explore their feelings for one another and she had flatly turned him down. He always thought about that night more than he should have. He would see her in sickbay or at the morning staff meeting. When he wasn't talking to or briefing his staff his mind would replay certain events where he had been certain that she gave indication that she felt the same way about him. He remembered Dixon Hill during his first year on the Enterprise. Beverly had looked stunning in the period outfit she donned. He hair was aflame set against the white of her skirt suit. A fine black mesh veil over her eyes created a nuance of mysteriousness that drew him to her all the more. He remembered her legs… How little he got to see her legs. When he did see them, it was like a rare gift; so athletic, toned, but still slight and feminine. This past year had proved awkward for him and Beverly, and not only because of the incident on Kesprytt. There had also been the death of Beverly's Nana and the incident with Ronin – the anaphasic life form who had seduced Beverly, driving him mad with jealousy. Of course, he hadn't been able to say much, but she'd sensed it. No, tonight Jean Luc would not find sleep. He would enter his quarters, don his pajamas, climb into bed, and hope that sleep came swiftly and did not bring dreams of the woman whom he could not love.

Beverly sat in her office reviewing her pads and dictating her charts from the day. Sickbay had been busy as of late. Terralian flu had swept through the ship rendering much of the crew ill and queasy. Beverly was not complaining, however; she welcomed the distraction; it took her mind away from her personal life. When she sat down and thought about it, which she seldom did, the past year had been full of nothing but disappointment. The greatest disappointments, though, were not the ones that came from mere happenstance – but ones that she had brought upon herself. The greatest of all these had been Kesprytt. She rubbed her eyes out of frustration and took a deep breath that filled her lungs to the brim. Kesprytt. She remembered their capture, their escape, and almost everything in the middle, but that is not what occupied her thoughts this evening. No, this evening, like many others, she replayed the conversation that she had Jean Luc had by the fire. She could still smell the fresh air and hear the crackling of the fire. She talked of Wesley and Jack, but when she mentioned Jack she had found out how Jean Luc had felt about her all those years ago. In that moment, hearing his thoughts, feeling what he felt, her emotions had become indescribable. She hid them, of course. It was her habit to be guarded; she'd become good at it during her 6 years of marriage to Jack. Her mind once again wandered; this time she was mentally transported back to her second year of medical school when she met Jack. He was cocky, handsome, and so attracted to her. She had been flattered. Growing up on Arveda III and then Caldos had not proffered her a great deal of male attention. She had mainly grown up in the presence of her grandmother until she had moved to Earth to start medical school. It had been during their second date that Beverly had met Jack's best friend, Jean Luc Picard. She smiled as she replayed their meeting. Jack had been so excited to show off his new girl friend, so he had arranged for his two close friends to meet her at The Armstrong, a local coffee shop and hangout spot near the Academy. Jean Luc and Walker Keel were already sitting at a corner table when she and Jack had walked in. Jean Luc stood immediately, greeting her, while Walker remained seated sleepily, seemingly a little hung over. She could still see him clearly; handsome, fit, bald, even then, and only a little taller than herself. He smiled at her. She drank in his smile, returning it with one of her own. His smile was always something that she had cherished due to its rarity. He extended his hand in a greeting. He spoke with a refined accent, effortlessly discussing anything from Shakespeare to Archaeology, to different types of wines and brandies. He was so unlike Jack in almost every way. He looked at life differently. Yes, he was motivated to reach the top, to become a captain and have command of his own ship, but he also saw the leisurely side of things and he took time to indulge his interests. She, Jack, and Jean Luc began spending more time together as the months passed. She started to notice things about Jean Luc. Though a little naïve, she noticed the looks he gave her and the glances he stole. He never looked at any other girls the way he held her in his eyes. His glances never made her feel uncomfortable – no; he always made her feel like she was the only other person in the room. She would never have admitted it to herself outright at the time, but she was in love with him. She was more in love with him than she liked Jack. But, he never said anything to her about it. In the moments they were alone, he would always start a conversation that would lead them far away from the realm of any sort of feelings. She said nothing either, and soon Jack proposed. He uttered words of congratulations, but he still never said anything, so she married Jack. The rest was history. Enough, Beverly thought as she raised herself, slipped off her lab coat, and turned off the lights.

Jean Luc entered the turbo lift. "Deck Nine", he spoke. He looked about the walls and then down at the floor lazily until the doors opened upon his destination.

Beverly kept her eyes on the carpet as she yawned while walking briskly to her quarters.

Crash.

Beverly teetered, stunned from the sudden impact, "Jean Luc," she looked up.

"Beverly, I'm sorry; I wasn't paying attention…"

"It's quite alright Jean Luc, neither was I," she smiled.

They stopped for a moment, eyes dumbly fixed on each other. He drank her in. Her auburn hair was down and her fringe had grown out. It was obvious she had been neglecting a haircut as hair now shaded her eyes. The rest of it had grown longer as well, curling nicely past her shoulders. He never grew tired of looking at her. Every time he had the privilege to do so, he discovered something new that excited him. He loved everything about her – her skin, her eyes, they way she smiled, and even they way she looked when she cried. There were so many facets to her, he could spend a millennium discovering them and still never come to the end.

Pushing past any sort of awkwardness, "Beverly, I know it's late, but considering that I am off duty tomorrow, would you like to come in for a quick drink?"

She smiled. It had been a while since she and Jean Luc had an actual conversation; exactly 5 months to the day she noted, "well, since I am off duty tomorrow as well, it couldn't hurt".

She walked into his quarters ahead of him, taking up a familiar position on the couch. It had been a while since she sat here; the last time she had walked out on his advances. A pang of regret hit her when she realised how much she had hurt him that night. He hadn't said anything, but she knew; she'd felt it.

He came over to the couch, 2 small glasses of whiskey in hand. He sat next to her, which was never his habit. They sat in silence, looking at the stars.

"I've missed this," he sighed.

She smiled, "me too".

The silence once again took over. She looked over at him, still sipping her whiskey. Her thoughts meandered back to the image of him she'd had earlier in the evening. She smiled at the comparison from younger to older and found out that not much had changed.

He felt her smile, "penny?"

"Nothing, I was just thinking…"

"About…?" He asked softly.

"You."

It was his turn to smile, "what about me?"

"About when we were younger – how similar you are now, but yet so different."

"Different how?" he quested, taking another sip of whiskey.

"Well, for one you are a Captain and not a Cadet, and you're more guarded. Well, you were always guarded, never letting too many people in…"

"I let you in…"

"It's been awkward between us recently, hasn't it?"

"Yes, well, a lot has happened recently…."

She put her head down, swirling the remainder of her beverage in the glass, "_Kesprytt_" she whispered.

"Yes, among other things," he sighed.

Without thinking, "I wouldn't have married him, you know". She regretted the words once they had slipped out, knowing she would have to explain and expose herself.

"What?" he asked, half shocked and half confused.

"You know what?" she laughed nervously, "it's probably just the drink talking… I should go.."

"No. Wait." He caught her arm, preventing her from leaving. "What do you mean?"

Beverly set down her glass, keeping her eyes glued to the floor. Here it went…

"You told me that night that you were in love with me while I was with Jack. I always knew. I never would have said the words to myself, but I always knew you were. The way that you looked at me, held me in your gaze. Oh Jean Luc, I knew. But you know what the worst part is?" Tears began to form in her eyes and she looked up at him with a silly half smile before quickly turning her gaze back to the floor. "The worst part is that I loved you back. I loved you more than I ever loved Jack during our 6 years of marriage."

Jean Luc sat back, shocked. Regret panged in his stomach. His heart raced, a nod to the ingenuity of its technology.

"_What?_" was all he could dumbly whisper.

"So there you go, Jean Luc. While you burned in guilt, so did I. You were guilty for loving your best friend's wife, while she loved his best friend right back. I smouldered in guilt. I hated myself every day of our marriage. Oh God! Jack loved me so much. I know he did, but I could never fully return that love. I stuffed my feelings for you deep down. I pretended. Then, when Jack died, like you I felt guilty."

Tears ran down her cheeks, staining their way through her foundation. She had to continue. She had to tell him. "When you came home instead of Jack, God Jean Luc, you know I was actually perversely relieved? What kind of a person am I? We had a son! I was relieved that my son's father died? Yes, I was relieved that it hadn't been you."

Jean Luc was usually stoic, but even now, tears formed in his own eyes. He lamented the past. All of this could have been avoided if he had only had enough gumption.

_"Beverly"_ he choked.

He took her hand and clasped in his own. With his other hand, he wiped her tears.

"I'm such a fool, Beverly. God, I am such a Goddamn fool."

"We both are."

"How I wish I could take this all back. How I wish I had said something. Beverly, if you felt like this, why did you leave that night after Kesprytt? Why didn't you stay with me; tell me this then?"

"Guilt" she choked, "guilt". She paused, "what you must think of me now Jean Luc. What a horrible wife I was to your best friend."

"No. No," he ginger brought her gaze to meet his own, "I'm the idiot".

Beverly smiled, "you and Jack were complete opposites. He was loud and outgoing, whereas you were quite and reserved. Jack spoke his feelings; you acted them like you were in a silent movie. Maybe that's why you were friends; because you were so different".

"I don't want to be that man. Beverly, I burn for you. I smoulder. I look at you, and time itself stops. You've brought me life; awakened me from my loneliness". He laughed, "I can still remember that moment when life was breathed back into my lungs – you walked aboard my bridge, hair a mess around your head, but still as beautiful as any woman I have ever laid eyes on."

Beverly shifted in her seat and chuckled at the remembrance of that horrible hair cut. "I had to be near you, Jean Luc. And, for a while, it was enough to once again be your friend. It's been enough for a while, but then Kesprytt happened. That changed everything. Ronin was a distraction; an aberration. Even then, you came after me, once again acting your feelings."

Jean Luc sighed again and repeated himself, "I still don't want to be that man. I lied to you on Kesprytt –"

"I know," she cut him off.

"No, I lied to you" he resumed forcefully, "I told you that I no longer had those feelings. Christ, Beverly, I love you. I love you more today than I loved you all those years ago when we were just kids".

Beverly smiled. Had she heard him right? Gingerly he raised his hands to her cheek, gently tracing a path from her jaw down to her shoulder. There was that familiar look; to him she was the only other person in the universe. He drew her closely to himself, leaning his forehead against hers and smiled. Slowly he leaned in to kiss her, and she parted her lips to receive him. She brought her arms around his neck and shifted her body. This was right, she thought. This was how it was always supposed to feel. Kissing him, feeling his body against hers and his arms around her – it was like coming home. "I love you," she whispered between kisses. There would be no more fear. There would be no more guilt. The past, however sordid and regretful was just that, the past. They had more than enough time to make it up to each other and they fully intended to do so.


End file.
